I Sold My Soul And It’s Making Me Nervous

I had to break out of my writer’s block to write this little piece because I think it’s important and I am overwhelmed.

Okay, here we go: I have a job now! I have a first official all new shiny job; yours truly is a bonafide digital marketer and has almost sold her soul to the corporate gods. Almost, I say, because I have yet to fully immerse myself in the sinister day to day life that is corporate culture 1.0.1.

So they tell you that your first job is rarely what you expect it to be and nearly never what you want. They give you examples illustrating this stalwart fact:

“Oh, look at Amina. She has a degree in electrical engineering but her first job was at a consultancy!”

or

“Feroz wanted to be a proper fireman but has to start off as the guy who informs the other firemen when it’s time to put something out,”

and so on.

I admit, my first job isn’t what I thought it was. I expected myself to end up as a content creator, executing content for social media and working with big brands. Instead, I am a creative ideation associate; I research, think, get inspired and deliver ideas for social media – and I work with big brands. It’s not that much of a difference, I hear you say. You are right.

I am actually happy at my first job! 

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about what I’ve learned so far. Not in my actual capacity as cute new creative associate, but as I’ve gone around and met some people. Here it is:

• (most) Men in Pakistan in positions of power are jerks. Okay maybe that’s unfair – they’re jerks who try not to come across as jerks, but that’s a facade anyway. They adopt a certain paternally forbearing attitude towards new (young) female employees, all the while checking them out head to toe. Oh, I added the (most) earlier because I didn’t want to wake up to a tinny chorus of “not ALL men!” in the morning.
• I feel like an intern. Okay so I know I’m supposed to be an actual employee and not a paper-shuffling nervous intern type who just runs around getting people coffee, but it’s hard to assimilate to that role so soon. Admittedly, I have people getting me coffee now and I am trying, oh am I trying, my hardest to fit into these new shoes.
• The women I work with are forces of nature. I was lucky enough to have found women-in-the-workplace who take a sister-sister attitude towards other women – I have learned more about female solidarity in these two weeks than I have anywhere else at any other time. We keep each other up. We are woke. You hear me?
• I get nervous a lot and feel like I can’t do what’s asked of me. Sometimes, I’ll get a task and my first thought will be “get me out of here, there’s no way I know how to do this!” and honestly, that’s okay. I’ve also realized that I’m learning every day. If I were asked to do what I do now, a week ago, I wouldn’t have been able to get out of bed in the morning, because anxiety. Oh yeah, that brings me to…
• I am anxious. Oh god, am I anxious. As a naturally introverted anxious human being, I sometimes have a hard job speaking up and chiming in on meetings. I keep telling myself that if other people can do it, so can I, but it’s a little difficult, especially when other people look so put together and I feel like a childish mess inside. I think (hope) that maybe that’s everyone – maybe we all feel a little lost but don’t want to admit it and so we look really put together…can someone shed some light on this?
• But when everything is said and done, I am content. I am fitting in, or trying to, and it’s getting a little better everyday. Most days I have to make an effort; sometimes when my co-workers laugh and joke with each other, I feel left out of the conversation. I feel like an outsider imposing herself on a tightly knit bunch of happy smart people. Then I remind myself that I am too, a happy smart person. So I try to worm my way into conversations and try to understand what’s going on. It’s worked so far. And I get more confident each day.

So, learn from my experience. Or if you can’t find anything to learn, please understand that most people are lost and struggling, even if they don’t embody that experience externally. And if you have a first job, good luck.

Let me know how it’s going. Stay smart.