Is Your Man Trynna Go Back in the Way He Came Out? If so, read this

Okay, that headline is a little bit (a lot) to take in all at once. I won’t blame you if you want to re-read it, take a deep breath and then come back to this. Trust me, this won’t be anything short of a heavy experience.

You came here to find out how I’ve come to this ‘women’s strength > men’s’ realization. Or maybe you came here because the headline validates your inherent and long standing beliefs about this sort of thing. Or maybe you’re here because you can’t believe someone keeps resurrecting this *stale* gendered argument. Or maybe, you’re just bored. In any case, I feel you should stay, so I can tell you what I have to say. Smooth, right? I’m a poet too. Ha!

Here’s the thing: when I was younger, I underwent a traumatic and deranged break up. Yes, I hear you say, who hasn’t? How is your thing special? Why are you trying to dig up the dead and buried? You’re right! There was nothing special about it and that’s just the saddest thing: there was NOTHING special about it. That’s right – read that again.

There was nothing special because he did to me what the majority of desi men keep on doing to women around them: “babe, I can’t marry you because mama says no and I can never go against her wishes,” or some other rendition of this exact excuse. Heard that one before? Been hurt by that one before? Join the club, sis. We’re all old hands here.

But I won’t bore you with how I got through all of it. That’s not the kind of strength I’m talking about, though God knows I had to conjure up a mountain of it at the time. No, the kind of strength I’m discussing here is the one that enables the women around me to be admirably fierce fighters whenever they’re faced with any sort of opposition.

For example, when was the last time you heard about a woman who gave her word/commitment to someone and then backed out last minute, saying her mama didn’t agree? Maybe you’ve heard of it: hell, weird things happen ALL the time in the world; like did you know there’s a snake with three eyes somewhere out there? So yes, that MIGHT have happened to someone, but it certainly isn’t a trend and I certainly haven’t seen it.

You know why that is? Because women, we’re born to FIGHT. We understand the value of creating a life that WE want. Let me tell you, I fought through my teeth to try and hang on to a damaged relationship. I tried to fight my circumstances and I tried to fight his parents and I am trying to fight someone else’s parents now, including my own. I am always worried he will give up and throw in the towel when things start to really get rough. Fair? I don’t think so. And I know it’s not just me.

The women I have seen around me are struggling and fighting to get what they want out of a life that is often times so unfair, it’s even laughable. Because on top of you know, just being a woman, there’s other things like, “you’re 25 and unmarried?”, “your parents let you travel alone? Your family has no sense of respect!”, “you’ve gained so much weight, who will marry you now???” and my favorite “he is your husband, you have to listen to his needs before your own.”

So here we are, fighting and hustling to make all our dreams come true and then there’s men who, admittedly do fight for other things but, are too scared of their mothers to actually build an independent life. The minute things get tough, or mamas start trouble, these men get anxious, troubled and just plain scared. Their solution, if it’s complete subservience to Eternal Mama, is to enable their mothers’ toxic and emotionally manipulative brother to the point where she actually starts to believe she is the supreme ruler of everything and everyone in the Universe.

TL;DR, men do not know how to put up a fight, least not the men that I’ve met. At the end of the day, mama remains as perfect as the day she was born and any boo-boos she makes are just that: temporary errors that are quickly forgotten. However, heaven help you if you step out of line: that’s a red F on YOUR report card, young lady and you will never be able to forget about it.

I’m going to stop trying to save sinking ships. And I’m going to stop trying to keep boys from their own insecurities. Because honestly, there has to be a limit to the kind of limp energy that comes with dealing with someone who cannot march up to their mama and just say “enough is enough, stop bullshitting me.” Until then, we wait.

*no desi mamas were harmed during the writing of this piece, though if some of them have read it, they’re probably on their way to the hospital with swooning problems and fake anxiety attacks. Good luck, mamas – your 28 year old baby boy is still stuck to his umbilical cord, just the way you like it*